Monday, February 12, 2007

It has not been a bad day.

Physio was cancelled (a bit irritatingly, as I need to get started with it - but the physiotherapist has 'flu, and kindly noticed that I've been referred for FMS and so advised me not to come in, given that I really don't need viruses with this - very good of her). So I spent most of the afternoon sleeping. That was nice. Then The Girl came home and I insisted that she took me out for dinner, so off we went in the wheelchair for some Thai food. It was very good.

Talking of wheelchairs, we think we may have located an electric one - second hand - that we can just about afford. This would be great, as I am desperate to be able to get out of the house on bad days. I currently manage to walk up to the high street about one day in four, and I can't live like that. However, I am struggling with the idea. It's not so bad when The Girl's pushing me around, a) because it's only a borrowed wheelchair, b) because I can get out and use my stick (with The Girl parking the chair somewhere) anytime we get to somewhere inaccessible, and c) because I feel like it's all temporary. Buying one, especially one I could use on my own, would involve a shift in coping strategies and in my whole outlook. It would give me a huge chunk of my life back, but it's quite an adjustment. I had a major temper-tantrum about it last night. I don't bloody well *want* to be disabled. I don't even want to accept that I have an illness that will flare up and go into remission again. I want this to GO AWAY, so that I can go back to work, have a social life again, go shopping occasionally, get down the road for a pint of milk now and then, have my life back. But if I keep living in this kind of denial, given what I know about FMS and how it's generally a lifelong illlness, I will just turn myself into a hermit and get progressively more depressed as the weeks go on. So. Now to work on some level of acceptance, while still fighting to get back some mobility and normality.

Am working on a 'what my days are like now' blog post, with accompanying photos. I've taken some rather cool ones so far. It's turning into a bit of a project, and helping me to work stuff out in my head. For this I mostly thank jillyanne, whose day-in-the-life posts and photos have been really quite inspiring recently. :)

Last night I dreamt I wrote a children's book called Mr Fibromyalgia, about a little yellow man who had pain in all four quadrants of his body... I really think I might be going a bit round the twist at the moment. Still, at least these dreams are entertaining.

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